The Law of Motivation
1. Fear of loss of love, or abandonment.- People who say yes and then resent saying yes fear losing someone’s love. This is the dominant motive of martyrs. They give to get love, and when they don’t get it, they feel abanodoned.
2. Fear of others’ anger.- Because of old hurts and poor boundaries, some people can’t stand for anyone to be mad at them.
3. Fear of loneliness.- Some people give in to others because they feel that will “win” love and end their loneliness.
4. Fear of losing the “good me” inside.- We are made to love. As a result, when we are not loving, we are in pain. Many people cannot say, “ I love you and I do not want to do that.” Such a statement does not make sense to them. They think that to love means to always say yes.
5. Guilt.- Many people’s giving is motivated by guilt. They are trying to do enough good things to overcome the guilt inside and feel good about themselves. When they say no, they feel bad. So they keep trying to earn a sense of goodness.
6. Payback.- Many people have received things with guilt messages attached. For example, their parents say things like, “I never had it as good as you.” “You should be ashamed at all you get”. They feel a burden to pay for all they have been given.
7. Approval.- Many feel as if they are still children seeking parental approval. Therefore, when someone wants something from them, they need to give so that this symbolic parent will be “well pleased.”
8. Overidentification with the other’s loss.- Many times people have not dealt with all their own disappointments and losses, so whenever they deprive someone else with a no, they “feel” the other person’s sadness to the nth degree. They can’t stand to hurt someone that badly, so they comply.
The Law of Motivation says this: Freedom first, service second. If you serve to get free of your fear, you are doomed to failure. The fears, resolve them, and create some healthy boundaries to guard the freedom you were called to.
This article is take from Boundaries.
Written by Arshad.A