Imagining your Perfect Partner
The “right” partner can help you nurture greater security in yourself and your relationship, and also help you develop better relationship skills. But even if you could “order up” that person, doing so would not be enough to ensure a happy future together.
You must also be part of creating it. So think about what assets you have that nurture a healthy relationship, and ways that you might change and grow—with the support of a good partner—to be better at nurturing one.
As you do, remember that developing such a relationship will take time—both because developing intimacy takes time and because you will not be instantly cured of your insecurities. To help you think this through, consider these questions:
· How will it affect you to have a caring, attentive, faithful partner?
· How do you think this relationship will feel different for you, compared to what you felt in previous ones?
· What will be the first signs, both in your interactions and in how you feel, that it is better than previous relationships?
· What other small and big signs will you see along the way?
· As your attachment-related anxiety lessens, what will you do more of in this relationship? How will this be different from what you did in your previous ones?
· As your attachment-related anxiety lessens, what will you do less of in this relationship? How will this be different from what you did in your previous ones?
· In what ways will this partner and relationship help you to manage your attachment-related anxiety better?
· How do you imagine this new behavior on your part will feel different for this partner (as compared to what your previous partners likely felt in response to your old behaviors)?
· What will ultimately be different in this healthier relationship that is less burdened by your attachment-related anxiety?
· How will this relationship help you to maintain your newly found security?
Now, slowly read over all that you’ve written. Then reread it. Imagine it. Give it a chance to seep in. Allows yourself to have a sense of really experiencing it. Getting to know what this looks and feels like will help you know and feel in your heart what it is that you are really seeking.
Written by Arshad. A